Since I can’t sleep right now, even though I am totally exhausted…I guess I will update the blog.
Our life was, once again, turned upside down yesterday. We went to Huntsman to attempt Paul’s 5thround of chemotherapy. While we met with his oncologist, we discussed how sick Paul has been. He has still been running low-grade fevers, having severe abdominal pain, and a lot of nausea and vomiting. The doctor examined him…said he heard no bowel sounds…said Paul’s gut definitely looked more bloated…then he said the news no one wants to hear…”Paul, you have fought a good fight, but it is time to stop fighting…the chemotherapy is not working…you need to go on hospice and let them help you be as comfortable as possible…”
I cannot say that I was shocked with the news I just heard. For several days I had feelings that is what the outcome was going to be. I knew driving down that day we were going to be done…no more chemotherapy. Paul said he knew the same.
Even though we knew this was coming down the pipe, both Paul and I cried intensely hard. Every time we would look at each other yesterday we would cry. I don’t think you are ever prepared to hear that you are going to die soon…
We were fortunate enough to get Paul in with a pain doctor after his appointment with his oncologist. The doctor made room in his schedule to do a celiac plexus block (this procedure is used for pain control by blocking the nerves which come from the pancreas, liver, gall bladder, stomach and intestine). Paul has had a lot of relief from pain since they did this procedure yesterday.
In the meantime, we are now utilizing hospice. We are working to “tweak” the medicine for his nausea and vomiting. That has been very difficult to control. He has had little pain all day today, but he is still having bouts of nausea and vomiting.
We have been told that he will probably live 7 to 10 days because of his situation…obviously, it could be less or slightly more…it is in God’s hands now. One of the main reasons why he will go quickly is because he cannot eat or drink by mouth because of his bowel blockage. He is already so thin and frail. He is no longer on TPN because it is not used for someone who is terminally ill. They let us keep Paul on it long enough to give this new chemotherapy drug a chance…I really wished the drug would have worked.
Last night was rather strange…we lay in bed talking about his funeral. We haven’t talked much about him dying or his funeral because we have been too busy fighting to keep him alive. It is hard to stop fighting…everything inside me keeps saying there has to be something else I can do…it just can’t be over…I don’t want it to be over…but, he is so tired and weak…he has suffered so much…it has to be over…he shouldn’t have to suffer any longer…this nasty cancer is ravaging his body.
Tonight, after we finished up with the girls valentine cards, we pulled out the video camera and asked daddy questions. The girls always want to play with the camera, so this was a great opportunity to have some fun as we create a video for future viewing. We are trying to create memories that are positive for the girls. This will be fun to watch together and help us to remember just how amazing their daddy was/is!
Right now I am so grateful for loving family and friends. I am able to do what I do because of all the love and support I am receiving. Thank you all!