Wednesday, February 13, 2013

It is time for hospice...


Since I can’t sleep right now, even though I am totally exhausted…I guess I will update the blog. 

Our life was, once again, turned upside down yesterday.  We went to Huntsman to attempt Paul’s 5thround of chemotherapy.  While we met with his oncologist, we discussed how sick Paul has been.  He has still been running low-grade fevers, having severe abdominal pain, and a lot of nausea and vomiting.  The doctor examined him…said he heard no bowel sounds…said Paul’s gut definitely looked more bloated…then he said the news no one wants to hear…”Paul, you have fought a good fight, but it is time to stop fighting…the chemotherapy is not working…you need to go on hospice and let them help you be as comfortable as possible…” 

I cannot say that I was shocked with the news I just heard.  For several days I had feelings that is what the outcome was going to be.  I knew driving down that day we were going to be done…no more chemotherapy.  Paul said he knew the same.

Even though we knew this was coming down the pipe, both Paul and I cried intensely hard.  Every time we would look at each other yesterday we would cry.  I don’t think you are ever prepared to hear that you are going to die soon…

We were fortunate enough to get Paul in with a pain doctor after his appointment with his oncologist.  The doctor made room in his schedule to do a celiac plexus block (this procedure is used for pain control by blocking the nerves which come from the pancreas, liver, gall bladder, stomach and intestine). Paul has had a lot of relief from pain since they did this procedure yesterday.
In the meantime, we are now utilizing hospice.  We are working to “tweak” the medicine for his nausea and vomiting.  That has been very difficult to control.  He has had little pain all day today, but he is still having bouts of nausea and vomiting.
We have been told that he will probably live 7 to 10 days because of his situation…obviously, it could be less or slightly more…it is in God’s hands now.  One of the main reasons why he will go quickly is because he cannot eat or drink by mouth because of his bowel blockage.  He is already so thin and frail.  He is no longer on TPN because it is not used for someone who is terminally ill.  They let us keep Paul on it long enough to give this new chemotherapy drug a chance…I really wished the drug would have worked.
Last night was rather strange…we lay in bed talking about his funeral.  We haven’t talked much about him dying or his funeral because we have been too busy fighting to keep him alive.   It is hard to stop fighting…everything inside me keeps saying there has to be something else I can do…it just can’t be over…I don’t want it to be over…but, he is so tired and weak…he has suffered so much…it has to be over…he shouldn’t have to suffer any longer…this nasty cancer is ravaging his body.
Tonight, after we finished up with the girls valentine cards, we pulled out the video camera and asked daddy questions.  The girls always want to play with the camera, so this was a great opportunity to have some fun as we create a video for future viewing.  We are trying to create memories that are positive for the girls.  This will be fun to watch together and help us to remember just how amazing their daddy was/is!
Right now I am so grateful for loving family and friends.  I am able to do what I do because of all the love and support I am receiving.  Thank you all!

8 comments:

  1. This is so hard to read. My heart is just breaking. We're all crying with you and we'll be there to help you. Sending love and prayers.

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  2. I am not sure that there are any right words right now. Paul, you are an amazing man and I have always treasured your friendship. I pray for your comfort and that of your family as well.
    Love you, Laurel

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  3. Sandra and Paul, My heart is breaking for you both and for your sweet girls. I wish there was something that I could do or say that would take this all away. We have grown to love your sweet family so much. No one should have to endure what you have been through. Just know that we love you and are growing from your incredible example. The Lord is preparing a place for a great hero. Patti, Gary and Dallin

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  4. Sandra, It is so hard to accept Heavenly Father's will when it is so far from your own. I am so sorry. How heavy your heart must feel. I will keep praying for you.
    Brooke Webb Oniki

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  5. Sandra and Paul; your strength is incredible. Paul you have fought this battle so hard and for so long. I know you do so because you don't want to leave your family. Paul when YOU escape your ravaged body, you will not be separated from your family. You will be there for your family whenever they need you. You have won your earthly trials and you have finished all you were to accomplish here on earth. You will know peace. You will be free of pain and you will feel the greatest love course through your spirit. You will meet up with family members that have preceded you. Your joy will abound. Sandra and family, I know this is so hard and so gut wrenching. You will feel such mental pain, but remember that.Paul will always be nearby you and he won't hurt anymore. I hurt for you all. My prayers are with you all, as is my love for each of you. Love Lisa Sorensen

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  6. Heavenly Father is mindful of you. Your family is in our prayers.

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