We might get a miracle!

Paul’s doctor called today with some good news!  He said that Paul’s biopsy report indicated his metastases is the kind that is responding to a trial drug. He said they are having pretty good success with it in gastric patients.

The trial drug (I don’t know the name yet) is currently approved by the FDA for use in kidney cancer.  Because of that, we have to get approval through our insurance and through Pfizer (the manufacturer) to use the drug.  The doctor said this could take 3 – 4 weeks. 

In the meantime, we meet with our doctor on January 4^thto discuss everything.  He told Paul we will probably want to start some kind of chemotherapy before we are able to start using the drug.

I just hope that our insurance company is willing to go along with it…if not we might be doing a fundraiser!  I can’t stress about it…what ever happens will happen…

Paul is doing better.  He has more energy and his bowels are working again.  He is not using as much pain medication.  We are still just doing TPN at the moment.  I am not sure when we will start food intake by mouth.

Thanks again  for all your prayers and support.  We really have been blessed!

We are praying that his health continues to improve and that we get a shot at the trial drug!!!!

Home after another hospital stay...

Paul ended up in the hospital last Friday, December 21^st.  We took him up to the Acute Care Center at Huntsman first thing in the morning.  His pain started Thursday afternoon and just was not improving.  We figured he probably had a bowel obstruction, since the symptoms were the same as the last time he had a bowel obstruction earlier in December.

We were right about his bowel obstruction…only this time it was worse than last time.  Once again, he was admitted to Huntsman Hospital.  He was given pain meds and IV fluid.  The doctors said they were going to try the conservative approach again…in other words, he would receive pain meds, bowel rest, and fluid IV’s.

By the second day, I started to request TPN (total nutrition through a large central vein).  The doctors were very hesitant because of the potential side effects from TPN (sepsis, liver and kidney problems, potassium issues, etc.).  There is some risk to TPN, but I knew if we did not do something, I was going to lose Paul very soon.  He had not had much nutrition going in to his body for the past couple of weeks and was dropping weight very rapidly.  He was very weak and lethargic. 

The doctor that I was talking to about TPN was a resident.  He was a little bit full of himself.  In fact, he really is the only doctor we have had at Huntsman that I did not particularly care for.  The first day we got in there he told us we should put Paul as a DNR (do not resuscitate) because his kind of cancer is so fatal.  He told us that he didn’t have a good chance at surviving if something were to happen.  Our daughter’s Katie and Sheila were there with me…they were a bit freaked out about his attitude as well.   He was very gloom and doom.  I started calling him Dr. Doom after that (not to his face of course).

Dr. Doom acted as if Paul was a lost cause anyway… I tried to explain to him that I wanted TPN because if Paul were to be eligible for any possible trial drugs or chemotherapy he was too weak and would not be a candidate.  He did agree with me that he was too weak.  He got really snotty with me when we discussed TPN.  He said, “There a lot of risks associated with TPN.”  I said,  “I am aware of that.”  He said in a cocky attitude, “Really, what are they then?”  I proceeded to tell him all the risks.  He just looked at me and said, “Okay, I guess you do know.” 

 The irony in all of this is that Dr. Doom was so concerned with the risks of TPN, yet he kept talking about Paul as is he was a lost cause because of his “kind of cancer”.   I finally said to him, “Look, if Paul is going to die anyway, let’s just give this a shot.  As it is, he can’t have surgery because he would not heal, and he can’t have chemotherapy because he is malnourished.  At least if we get some nutrients in him he might be able to have chemotherapy for palliative care.”   He said he would talk to the attending about this.

On Sunday morning, Dr. Doom came in Paul’s room at about 5:30 a.m.  He did not know that I had spent the night.  I had the curtain pulled on the other side.  I could hear his conversation with Paul.  Guess what?  He said to Paul the exact same things I had been trying to tell him all along.   I got up and walked around the curtain and he looked a little shocked.  He said hello to me.  He said they were going to start TPN that day.

When the attending physician came later in the morning with the team he told us that they would be starting TPN at 6:00 p.m. that day.  By the way, the attending was very nice.  He works directly with our oncologist.  It was kind of funny because we recognized each other when he came in.  He was the doctor I stopped in the hall, last time I was at Huntsman, to go and check on Paul when he was in the bathroom puking.  I was bawling my eyes out at the time, pleading for him to go in the men’s bathroom because I was so worried about Paul.  He checked on him for me and told he was just throwing up and would be okay. 

Anyway, there was a plan put in place on Sunday.  We would put a Fentanyl patch on for pain and have a pain pump still with Dilaudid for “break-through” pain.  The patch is effective for three days and then needs to be changed.   The whole goal was to get him ready to go home on Monday, December 24^th.  We really wanted him home for Christmas.  Oh yes, they also put a PICC line in on Sunday as well.  They planned on running the TPN through the PICC line and using his port for his pain meds. 

My biggest frustration while at the hospital this time, was the feeling that they were going to let Paul starve to death.  I mean this literally.  I told them I was not willing to watch him starve to death.  I just kept getting the feeling that they thought he was a lost cause and it would be better to just let him starve.  I told them this.  I felt like the longer we waited to start TPN the more ground we were losing.  He had already been four full days without any food.  He was already weak because he had not had much nutrition for several weeks. 

As I left the hospital Friday night, I felt very overwhelmed and saddened.  The doctors gave us very little hope. As soon as I got home, my daughters went to spend the weekend at their older sisters home.  Our dog wasn't even home because she is being doggy-sat!  I was at home by myself...I looked at pictures of Paul on the wall...I felt so completely alone...I totally lost it...I cried and cried...I finally called my friend...she came over and consoled me.  

It is so hard.  You mourn, get your hopes up, then you mourn again.  It is like being on a constant roller coaster.  You can see the inevitable, yet you still try to have hope.  You don't want the person you love so much to suffer, yet you don't want to let them go either...Paul has said he is not ready to go yet....he still wants to fight...when he is ready to go...I will have to let him...

Seriously, I did not think we would be bringing Paul home from the hospital (ever).  Actually, none of us did. He was in pretty bad shape.   Fortunately, we were able to bring him home on Christmas Eve.  We were supposed to leave at 1:00, but due to errors (sent the wrong pump) we didn’t get out as early as we were supposed to.   We got home about 4:00 p.m.  Paul was still pretty out of it…but it was just nice to have him home!

I hook Paul up to TPN every night and let it run for 12 hours.  He is getting all of his nutrition through his veins.  He still is not eating or drinking.  On a plus side, his bowels are starting to work again!  I never thought I would be so happy to hear him fart!  Yep, I said the “f” word!  It started to happen on Christmas day…we thought it was a great Christmas present!  Those of you who don’t know, it is crucial that you pass gas and have bowel movements.  If your bowels are blocked this does not happen.  So, it is a good sign when there is movement…we get very excited to hear those lovely noises!  Never thought I would say that…

We have a home health nurse coming 2 to 3 times a week to check on Paul (change his port access once a week).  I am glad that I already knew how to administer TPN and flush PICC lines, etc…I learned that one year ago. Our home health nurse was glad that I already knew as much as I did, because it was Christmas Eve and things were a little crazy!  In fact, we brought Paul home from the hospital on December 23^rdlast year after his stomach removal.  I am starting to dislike December a little…

Paul started to improve yesterday.  Today has been even better.  He has been up and moving around a bit.  His color is better and he doesn’t look so sickly.  He has actually been talking a lot more and sleeping less.

My brother-in-law and sister-in-law flew in Sunday from Colorado.  They stayed with us until today.  They were a huge help to me!  We will miss them!  I cried as they left…

My heart is full of gratitude to amazing family and friends.  So much kindness and love has been shown toward my family.  I wish I could send out a personal thank you to everyone, but I just do not have the ability to do so.  I don’t even know who many of you are…kind elves and angels that help anonymously. Please know that everything that has been done is so appreciated.  My children were so blessed for Christmas this year.  They told me this has been their best Christmas ever!  What a beautiful thing to hear at such a sad time in our lives…

Love to you all!  By the way, we still don’t know the results of his biopsy…yep, we know it has been ridiculously long!

Doctors appointment...or lack thereof!

People are wondering what happened at Paul’s doctor’s appointment yesterday…well, his appointment got canceled because the lab results weren’t in.  We are tentatively scheduled to see the doctor this Friday.  Yes, we know this is really dragging out…maybe it is a good sign that they will find something…we can hope!

We have been waiting to meet with the doctor before we can make any real plans for our trip to Disneyland.  We need to know more about what will happen with chemotherapy and all that “good” stuff.  We feel like our life is in a holding pattern…not what you want to have happen when your time is limited…

Paul and I are quite the pair.  I don’t want to eat because it hurts.  I can only eat very small quantities of low fiber food.  I have problems taking my antibiotics because they get stuck (esophageal issues from reflux—not related to diverticulitis).  Hmmm…this all sounds so familiar…sounds like what Paul deals with every day. 

Honestly, I didn’t need this to teach me compassion.  Especially, since I know how much Paul suffers.  My heart hurts every day as I watch my love struggle.  It is just a little harder to take care of him when I feel like crap!  I am starting to heal.  After having a reaction to the first antibiotic, I hope I will be back to normal soon! 

Thank you to everyone.  We are so appreciative for all that you do!  Here is to hoping for good news on Friday!

Life is hard at the moment...

This weekend has been less than fun…Paul has been having a very rough time.  He is in a lot of pain and is losing weight…now at 154 lbs…It is extremely hard to watch.  I keep hoping that on Tuesday they will have some kind of bright news for us.  He needs some kind of help…and I feel helpless…

I was having a really hard day on Friday.  I didn’t feel well…I was very tired…worried about Paul…just angry at the world kind of day.  I was even more saddened when I heard about the children in Connecticut…how incredibly heart-breaking…in fact, there really are no words to describe it.  My heart aches for the families of those killed.  I can honestly say, Friday is the heaviest my heart has ever felt…between worrying about my husband and hearing about those children…It has been so hard not to ask, "why"?

When I was walking home from getting the kids at school on Friday, my friend could tell I was having a hard time.  She stopped me and asked me how I was….I am grateful for a dear friend who let me have a melt-down with her.  We cried together about everything….it was therapeutic to let it all out.  I just feel like I have to be strong…it is hard to be strong…I feel like my whole world has been turned upside down…I am losing my husband and there is nothing I can do about it…I am trying to have hope…it is just very hard at the moment…I know I can do this…I just don’t want to…but I have to.

Sophie had strep throat last week and then Paul and I got lovely colds.  I am worried about him because he is coughing pretty hard and has been running a fever.  He says he doesn’t feel like he needs to go to Insta-care…we will see…

I ended up at the ER this morning.  Friday night I started getting pains in my left side.  I recognized those pains.  I have a disease called diverticulosis…when you have a “flare-up” it is diverticulitis…basically it is an infection in your bowels…yep it’s painful.  I did not eat anything all day yesterday and only drank liquids.  I was hoping it would calm down on its own.  I could tell last night that I was probably going to need treatment.  I was going to drive myself to the hospital, but Paul said it was not a good idea.  So, I called my sister at 5:00 this morning and asked her to take me to the hospital, because I knew they would need to do a CT.  Paul is in no condition to take me to the hospital and sit there…besides someone needed to be with the kids.

Thankfully the ER wasn’t busy this morning and they got me right back.  They ran blood work, and a CT.  Yep, I was right…I have diverticulitis.  Fortunately, they are not making me stay in the hospital…last time I was in the hospital for a couple days.   They are having me take antibiotics at home…if they don’t work…then we’ll reassess the situation.  The biggest thing is I have to get it under control, so that I don’t get an abscess, which can lead to peritonitis….now that would be bad…

Life has been a little overwhelming this weekend…I am hoping for brighter days ahead.  Thank you to everyone for your continued love and support!

What we did on 12-12-12...

Today was Paul’s retirement party at work.  He has been on short-term disability this year…it has now run out.  Because it has ended, he will now be going into long-term disability and retirement.  It is a good thing that he worked for the same company for 34 years…we will have a retirement package, which includes a continuation of health insurance (although we have to pay $500 more a month for

it).

Paul had a great party!  Many thanks to all the wonderful people he has worked with over the years.  He was blessed to have so many of his friends come and see him.  He was so happy!    It was nice for me to finally get to meet people that I have heard so much about.  Once again, so much kindness and love was shown to us.

Today is also the one-year anniversary of Paul’s gastrectomy (stomach removed).  It is not a day you really celebrate.  But, it is a day that you remember.  I don’t really allow myself to think about it.  For the most part I am living in the present.

Paul’s doctor’s appointment was rescheduled from this Friday  (December 14^th) to next Tuesday (December 18^th) because his biopsy results are not back yet.   Evidently, they sent them to Oregon and it is taking about 3 weeks to get the results back.

Honestly, you would think I would be anxious to know the results, but I am not.  Once we know the results, any hope I have left for him to recover may be taken from me.  I like the comfort of having hope that there will be a cure.  If they tell us that he is not a candidate for any trial drugs…well, you know…we will still continue to hope…it will just be a little more challenging.  We will just keep praying, and hopefully God’s will is to keep him here.  Obviously, we will know in time what God’s will is…

I just love this man, Paul.  I do not want to lose him.  He is my best friend.  I really, really like him. I tell him all the time how much I like him.  To me, that can be more of a compliment.  You know, you can love someone and not like them very much.  So he knows that not only do I love him, but I like him as well!

Update on Paul...

I brought Paul home from the hospital today.  Needless to say, it was nice to get him out of the hospital!  The doctors were amazed at how well he did.  They told us that he was not the “norm”…that many times this turns out to be “catastrophic”…not sure exactly what the doctor meant by that, but I am just thankful he is doing better.

We saw so many different doctors while Paul was in the hospital.  There was one main doctor assigned to us, but we were visited by handfuls…it was kind of weird to have so much attention…I guess that’s what happens when you are at a teaching hospital.  We actually did not see our oncologist until he came up this afternoon before we left.    It was nice to see his face.  For some reason, I felt more reassured as I spoke with him.  He told us we should (hopefully) know the results of the biopsy by December 14^th when we go back for Paul’s next appointment.  He told us that this problem he had could have been caused by the biopsy, but it also could be related to the cancer.  Because of that, we may be seeing future problems with the bowels.  We will deal with that if it comes to that…not even going to think about that right now…

Anyway, Paul’s oncologist told us if his cancer is not compatible with the trial drug they are currently offering at Huntsman, he may be able to refer us to MD Anderson in Houston, or somewhere in Detroit.  They also have some trial drugs that may work.  I guess they are both on the cutting edge of cancer research as well.  

If Paul is not eligible for any trial, his oncologist told us he thinks we should reconsider chemotherapy for palliative reasons.  He said all studies show that while the chemotherapy will not cure him, it will make him more comfortable.  After what we experienced this week, Paul is definitely rethinking about having chemotherapy.  Originally, we said no, because we didn’t want to make Paul’s life more miserable.  He told us the chemo they would use this time is not as brutal as the first ones he had.  He said that people seem to tolerate it much better with less side effects.  He also told us the studies are showing people are living 3–6 months longer with this chemotherapy.  We are only considering it because Paul’s type of cancer can be very brutal on the bowels…the chemo will help slow down the growth and limit the pain.

We also asked the doctors about doing TPN.  None of them thought it was wise at this time.  They said the risk of infection, and liver and kidney damage was too high.  So, I guess we will just try to get as much nutrition as possible via mouth.  It gets to be very frustrating, but we will continue doing what we can. 

Last night as I was putting the kids to bed, Hailey had a complete meltdown.  She was crying about how much she missed her dad.  She asked me why he had to get cancer.  She told me she will miss his kisses on her cheek when he dies.  It was very heartbreaking…I had to be strong…I could not cry…I told her that we will be just fine….that daddy will be here for awhile…that we just need to enjoy all the time we have together. 

After I left Hailey’s room, I went to my room and started to sob.  I never dreamed this would be a part of our lives.  It is so hard to comfort your children when your heart is breaking too.  I have to be strong for them. 

When I got home from the hospital on Monday night, I found a letter Hailey had written to Santa.  This is what is said:  “Dear Santa,  My family wants to go to Disneyland for spring break.  My dad wants an R.V.  I want an American girl and Sophie wants a new bike also mom wants my dad to be with us for next Christmas.  I will not forget Zoey she wants a dog bone.  Love, Hailey  P.S. Make it snow!”

I started to cry as I read the part about  me wanting dad to be here for next Christmas.  Who knows maybe I will get my wish!  Anyway, the whole R.V. thing cracks me up…we have talked about getting a trailer for the past few years…Paul told the girls he was going to ask Santa for one this year…big mistake…I keep trying to tell the girls Santa cannot afford that…we told them we would try and rent a motor home to go and see some things that daddy wants to see…Hailey is still convinced that Santa will bring one…

We actually are trying to get to Disneyland a lot sooner than Hailey realizes.  We don’t want to wait until spring break…we will see what we can work out!

I am glad to have my honey home with me.  It was so hard to leave him at the hospital.  But when you have children they need you too.  It is like being pulled in many different directions.  I feel exhausted!  Of course, it doesn’t help that our dog decided to wake me up the last two nights to play at 1:30 in the morning.  I only ended up getting a few hours sleep both nights because of her.  She kept whining to wake me up to pet her.  Then she wanted to play…little demon dog.  I actually do love her, but I was not very happy with her.  I guess I have to remember she knew that something was going on and her schedule was messed up too…It is like having another child in the house!

I may not thank everyone personally for all that they do, but know that I appreciate all the support and love given to my family.   I feel your prayers!

In the hospital again!

Paul has not been feeling right since his biopsy.  He was having pain off and on in his abdomen.  Sunday it started to get even worse.  I noticed he was not eating very much (not that he does anyway).  By Monday (yesterday), I knew that he needed medical attention.  He was trying to be strong and tell me he would be fine.  Of course, I didn’t listen and called the oncologist nurse.  She contacted a nurse in the Acute Care Clinic at Huntsman who immediately called me back.    She told me to bring Paul right away.

Paul did not argue with me.  He just got in the car and I drove us to Huntsman.  He was in pain the whole way.  He felt every bump!  He started to dry heave a lot.  I knew that he was getting worse.  By the time we got there he was in severe pain!

Paul got out of the car as quickly as he could and headed for the bathroom.  Mind you, he wasn’t moving super fast because he was walking very hunched over.  As I was waiting for him outside the men’s restroom, I could hear him dry heaving.  I really started to get worried for him and my tears started to flow.  I started to sob right there in the hallway!  Finally a male doctor walked by and I asked him to go in and check on Paul.  This cute elderly couple walked by at the same time and started to hug and console me.  The doctor came out and said he his fine. He is just dry heaving.  Well, that didn’t seem fine to me!  I knew he was in severe pain!

Paul managed to come out a few minutes later.  We went up to the second floor and checked in.  They got him back in a room in about 10 minutes.  The doctor who met with us was very nice.  The nurse accessed his port and attempted to get some pain meds him in.  It took awhile, but they finally got the right dosage and he started to relax.  At that point, I started to relax….it is so incredibly difficult to watch someone you love suffer so much!   I even went into the bathroom and called a friend who recently lost her husband to cancer.  I asked her if she ever had meltdowns while they were at Huntsman.  She said that she did on a regular basis.  It somehow made me feel better knowing that I am not alone in having an emotional breakdown!

I was grateful when our three oldest children arrived at the hospital.  We were able to be strong for each other.  We even managed to laugh together.    It seemed easier to cope with what was going on.

After a CT scan, it was determined that Paul has a small bowel obstruction.  They do not know if it is caused by a tumor or a stricture (they can’t tell).  Anyway, they admitted him to Huntsman Hospital to treat him with IV fluids, pain meds and complete bowel rest.  Evidently, 80% of all obstruction resolve on there own.

I need to interject here that Paul had some good pain meds…he was very “loopy”.  He had us all laughing with some of the comments he was making!  The doctors even found him to be rather amusing…

It was nice to finally get Paul settled in a hospital room.  I was so exhausted!  I felt like I had run a marathon!  It is amazing what stress can do to a body.  I went home last night, got our younger daughters from our friends house and basically crashed!

I arrived at the hospital this morning to find a much improved husband.  He had not had any pain meds since last night.  He said he felt good…the pain was gone.  When the doctors came in they were very surprised to see how well he was doing.  They decided to put him on a clear liquid diet today and then if he does well try him on regular food tomorrow. 

He did quite well today with the clear liquid diet.  I hope tomorrow goes as well!  They are planning on keeping Paul for a couple of days to make sure he can eat before he leaves…I am just praying that it all works out.

The surgical team met with us today and told us that they will not operate on Paul unless it is a “do or die” situation because he is considered very high risk because of his cancer.  They said the complications could be very bad…

I see TPN (form of intravenous feeding-used for patients who cannot or should not get their nutrition through eating) in our near future again.  I just think it is too hard on Paul’s bowels to have to digest the food without a stomach.  He has to eat constantly and therefore he is in constant pain (obviously, the bowel obstruction was worse than his normal pain).

Once again we are being blessed with help from others!  Thank you all for everything you have done and are doing for us.  You are truly our angels!

I am so tired…I am heading to bed!

Biopsy today...

Paul had his biopsy this morning.  He had a local injection.  They used an ultrasound and some kind of needle to get samples of one of the tumors.  He said that it hurt a bit…but nothing like what he has already been through.  Evidently the tumor is starting to adhere to his bowels….it all just sounds painful to me.  He said he felt really popular because they had six people in this small room getting the sample.  Probably a popularity contest he really didn’t care to have!

Anyway, Paul took a Lortab and is up stairs taking a nap.  After the Lidocaine started to wear off he was really starting to hurt.  He said it felt like someone had punched him in the gut.  Poor guy…I hope that he gets some peaceful rest!

We probably will not know the results of the biopsy for a couple of weeks.  They are sending it away somewhere to have some special tests run.  So for now, we will do what we do…enjoy the life that we have NOW.   We will stay in the present…no looking back…and very minimal looking forward…we will just enjoy and focus on the moment we are in.

We have been so blessed.  A special thank you to our angels who brought us gifts last night!  Our girls were so excited!!!!!  I was a blubbering idiot…I felt so overcome with love and gratitude.

I have so much more I would love to share…but not today…I am feeling extremely tired today and just don’t have the energy! 

Devastating News...

On Friday, November 16, 2012, we received devastating news.  We went to Huntsman for his scan.  We knew there was a problem when we met with the doctor and he didn’t discuss the scan first.  Usually he will tell us the results first thing.  Instead he proceeded to ask Paul how he was feeling.  He asked a lot of questions about his gut (tenderness, severe pain, etc.).  Paul told him it is the normal dumping syndrome pain.  Which can be very severe at times.

After we got that out of the way, he discussed the scan with us.  He said, “Unfortunately, I do not have good news for you…you have a couple of tumors growing in your peritoneal cavity. “  What?  We were both in shock!  I thought,  “Did he just say what I think he said?”  I knew that was bad news because I had read a lot about Paul’s type of cancer and the likelihood of it spreading to his peritoneal cavity was extremely high.  I knew if that happened, we didn’t have a fighting chance! 

The oncologist proceeded to tell us that there was no treatment.  He told us that they could not do surgery and that chemotherapy would maybe increase his life by a couple of months.  When we asked him how long Paul has, he hesitated and then told us typically people with this type of cancer will last about 6-8 months.  He told us to remember these are just statistics…Only God knows when it is his time. 

I cannot adequately put into words how I felt at that moment.  I started sobbing…Millions of things ran through my mind…In fact, things started to flood my mind so quickly that I don’t even really remember what my first thought was besides this is really bad news.  Paul was definitely calmer than me.  In fact, I was shocked at how calm he was.  I think even the doctor was surprised.

The next thing I remember, a social worker came in to talk to us.  She was very kind.  I honestly don’t remember much of what she said except that we needed to tell our little girls that night about their daddy.  I didn’t want to tell them.  I didn’t know how to tell them.  Seriously, how do you tell a 9-year-old and a 6-year-old that their daddy’s cancer is back and he is going to die?  I knew that other people had been through this and they had done it.  I just didn’t feel strong enough.  How could they be so strong?  How did they do it?

We also have three adult children from Paul’s first marriage.  Their mom passed away when they were 12, 14, and 16 years old.  How were we going to tell them?  My heart ached for them too.  Yeah, they are adults, but they already lost their mom…I am just the step-mom…they are going to be frightened…now they are losing their dad too.  It all just seems so unfair…

We have grandchildren too.  Our grandchildren won’t get to know their grandpa…He is such an amazing person to know…

As soon as we left the doctors office we went up and checked out a book called Tear Soup from the library at Huntsman.  The social worker highly recommended it and I remembered that a friend who recently lost her husband had told me about it before.   I have not read it yet, but Paul has and said it is very good.  We also brought home a DVD version that we are going to watch with the girls.  I’ll let you know what we think…

While Paul was picking up the book, I started to make some phone calls.  I can honestly say that there was serious mourning going on both ends of the phone call.  My wonderful family and friends were almost crying as hard as me.   It was a prime example of  “mourning with those that mourn”.  The hardest phone calls I had to make were to the older children (Paul asked me to do it—I think he knew how hard it was going to be).

We got home.  Our two youngest daughters were at a friends house.  They let them stay there to give us time to try and prepare for telling them the “news”.   They knew something was going on as soon as they got home because two of their older siblings were sitting on the couch very red-eyed.  Paul told them that his cancer was back.  Hailey, our nine-year-old screamed out and started to bawl.  She said, “Oh no!  That means he is going to die”!  I actually was a little surprised at how quickly she caught on. It was very heart breaking…

Sophie, our six-year-old just sat there for a minute and looked at us.  She didn’t say anything for a minute.  And then she said, “Okay, can I play on the computer now?”  Her reaction surprised me as well.  I thought she would “act” a little more upset.  She is very much a daddy’s girl.  Later that evening Paul asked her if she wanted to wrestle, she just simply said, “Nope, you can’t because you have cancer again. “  It made him feel a little sad.  He said I can still wrestle with you (she is a serious tomboy).  She didn’t really respond.  Later that evening she simply looked at him and said, “So, where’s the funeral going to be?’  I was a little worried about her reaction. 

By Monday morning, Sophie started asking more questions.  She was laying on my bed with me and asked me when Jesus was coming back to earth.  I told her we didn’t know for sure, but that it would happen someday.  Then she asked about Paul.  She wanted to know if he was going to be resurrected after he died.  We spent time talking about that.  Then she asked me if he was still going to be alive for Christmas.  I told her yes.  Then she wanted to know if he’d be here for the next holiday…and so on…then she asked about next Halloween.  I told I didn’t know for sure, but that I sure hoped so. 

Monday afternoon, Paul received a phone call from his oncologist.  He told Paul they wanted to biopsy his tumors to see if they could possibly treat it with chemotherapy.   The day we found out about the return of his cancer, his doctor told us that they would biopsy his original tumor from his stomach to check for some genetic things to see if there was any kind of chemo that might work (yep, they keep the tumor in storage after they remove it).  He said that would take about 3-4 weeks because it was in Ogden.  He didn’t seem overly optimistic that they would find something.

When the doctor called Paul he said he had been reviewing his case and discussing it with the radiologist.  They both felt that it would be beneficial to biopsy his metastasis instead of the original tumor.  Evidently, there are three types of metastasis that can occur.  If Paul has one of the three kinds they can attempt to treat it with chemotherapy.  So what’s that, a 33.3% chance that they might be able to treat it?  Oh how we hope!

Paul will have his biopsy this next Tuesday.  He has opted to have it done with a local rather than to be put under with general anesthesia.  Paul would have to fast to have a general anesthetic…obviously it is best if he can eat.  Every time he has to fast for some medical procedure, he gets behind on eating and then ends up losing more weight.   They will use an ultrasound machine to guide them…if that doesn’t work, they will have to use the CT to guide them.   I think it sounds painful, but I don’t know… Paul feels it is best.   Unless something goes wrong, it will be a day procedure.  I don’t know when we will know the results.

We spent Thanksgiving in St. George with my dad.  We managed to have a nice time as a family.  We want to create as many memories as we can. Because after all, that is what it is all about! 

We have been so blessed.  There have been so many people sharing their love and kindness with us.  We appreciate all the fasting, prayers, letters, food, gift baskets,  phone calls, visits, support, etc.  There are angels among us!  Love you all!

Life is full of surprises...

Where to begin…life is always full of surprises…my dad had a massive heart attack on July 25^th.  My mom called me at 8:00 a.m. to tell me that my dad was in the hospital and they had just confirmed he was having a heart attack.  We weren’t quite sure what to do.  We waited for about an hour until we found out more information and then we knew that we needed to get to St. George immediately because they didn’t know if he was going to live.  They said he was going to be rushed in for open-heart surgery immediately.  I must say that was a very long 5 hour drive.  We didn’t know what to expect when we got there.

By the time we arrived my dad had already been in surgery for 4 hours.  About an hour later the doctor came out and told us my dad had survived the surgery.  We were informed that one side of his heart was 95% blocked and the other side 100%.  They did a five by-pass procedure on him.  The doctor was pleasantly surprised that my dad had survived the surgery.  They typically like to wait 48 to 72 hours before they operate on someone who has had a heart attack…they had to operate immediately because they had placed a Intraaortic Balloon Pump (The pump at your bedside inflates the balloon in your aorta when the heart is relaxed, allowing the heart to receive more oxygen rich blood without working so hard. Then, just before your heart gets ready to pump this oxygenated blood, the pump deflates the balloon. This creates a drop in pressure within your aorta, assisting your heart in pumping the blood more easily throughout your body).  Basically, his heart was not able to function on its own.  

We stayed to be with my mom for a week and then had to head home.  Thank goodness my sister and her husband live there and have been able to help out!

My dad was in ICU for three days and then transferred to intermediate care.  He stayed there for four days and then was transferred to an acute rehabilitation center for two weeks.  All and all he did quite well.  It has been a harder recovery because of his Parkinson’s disease.  He was very happy when he finally got home.  

On August 25^th, my dad had only been home a little over a week, we got a call from my sister.  She said my mom was headed to the hospital in an ambulance because she was unable to breath even though she was using her oxygen, her sats were only in the 50’s.  My sister said they knew there was a problem when they were unable to keep her awake and she was not very coherent. My sister had tried to convince my mom to go to the hospital earlier in the day because she was acting strange and she thought her lips looked a little blue.  In addition her heart was racing.  My mom just dismissed it because she had seen both her pulmonologist and cardiologist earlier in the week.  They told her she was fine except that she was having anxiety and panic attacks.  So my mom told my sister she was not going, she was just probably having another panic attack.  I even tried to talk my mom in to going….but to no avail…I guess I should mention, my mom had pulmonary fibrosis.  She had been on constant oxygen for approximately 20 months. 

Upon arrival at the hospital, they tried to get her oxygen levels to a satisfactory level.  They were giving her 15 L of oxygen which is as high as you can go…that was not working so they put her on a bi-pap machine (forces air in and out of the lungs)…she started to stabilize (sats in the high 80’s to low 90’s).  Her heart was in atrial fibrillation, so they had to give her meds to try and regulate her heart.  The meds did not work, so they had to use the paddles and shock her heart.  They attempted that three times.  At first that did not work, but finally her heart started to slow down and get back into a normal rhythm.  Her heart was struggling due to the lack of oxygen she had been having.  

They determined she had pneumonia and immediately started her on antibiotics.  They put her in the ICU and let the bi-pap machine do its thing.  By Sunday morning, after getting regular updates from my sister all night, my siblings and I were all exhausted.  Of course, none of us were as tired as my sister staying with mom.  I am so grateful she was there with her.  My dad does not have the health to do it…and we all live 4-5 hours away.  

We went to church and then decided we had better head down to St. George.  The doctors told my sister that they did not know if it was necessary for us to come yet, but I felt like it was something that we should do.  I knew it could go either way, but quite honestly I felt like she would probably pull through, because after-all, my dad had survived his major ordeal.

We got to the hospital that evening and spent a couple hours with my mom.  It was hard to watch her struggling to breathe, even with the bi-pap machine.  The problem with the bi-pap machine was that it was very noisy and my mom could not talk to us with it on.  She would try, but it was very difficult to understand her.  We would try and read her lips the best we could.  Finally, I asked Paul to see if we could get some paper and pen so maybe my mom could write to us.  My mom could write a little...she was very shaky.  At least we could figure out more about what she was trying to say.   

The next morning, I got to the hospital first.  My sister had left to go home during the shift change to get some sleep.  I knew immediately that there was a problem, my mom’s heart was back in atrial fibrillation.  Her heart rate was 150, 160, 134, etc… I asked the nurse about the x-ray they had taken earlier in the morning.  She said that her lungs were a lot worse.  At this point, a doctor and a social worker came over.  I think they were just waiting for someone to get there.  They showed me her x-rays and CT scans.  It was very obvious that her lungs were completely filled with fluid.  I knew what they were going to tell me…

I started to cry and asked if there was any chance she would survive.  The doctor said they would have to intubate and that she would never come off the lung machine.  I knew at that moment I was going to lose my mom.  I felt devastated.  I started to sob. Then I knew I had phone calls to make.  I called my family and told them to get to the hospital as soon as possible.  One of my sisters and my brother still had to come from up north.  We knew that we would not all be together for at least 5 to 6 hours.  

The doctors told us they would keep her going as long as they could so family could get there to say their goodbyes.  By 5:30 p.m. we were all there.  They asked my mom if she was ready for the bi-pap machine to be removed.  She shook her head yes.  They had given her morphine and started a constant morphine drip so that she would not struggle to breathe.  They put her on a cannula with 6 L of oxygen to try and help a little… we all stayed with my mom until she passed away at 8:10 p.m..  It was a very sad yet spiritual experience.

I am relieved that my moms funeral is over.  It has been a very emotional time.  I made a dvd of her life.  It brought back many memories...many tears...  My sister actually kept the papers she had been writing on in the hospital.  While we were on our way to pick out my mom's casket she pulled it out of her purse.  I saw the message, "take care of Jim"...I totally lost it...I cried and cried.  

 While my mom was still on her bi-pap machine, a couple hours before dying, she was insistent we take it off so she could say something to us.  She said, “Remember I will speak to you through the Holy Ghost”.  We had to put her bi-pap machine back on because her sats started to drop rapidly.  That was very profound to me.  I knew that the veil was thin…she was getting closer to death and she knew it.

 

Just so you know, I took the opportunity to ask my mom while she was still coherent, that when she got to heaven if she would please talk to Heavenly Father and ask him to allow me to keep my husband here longer…that his cancer won’t return.  She nodded yes, and mouthed to me that would be the first thing she did… I felt selfish for asking.  Why should I be allowed to keep my husband when others have lost theirs?  I think of Holly (talked a bit about her in my last post) and how she recently lost her husband Trent to cancer.   Her heart is breaking.  She is so incredibly sad. Why does it have to be so darn painful?  

The truth of it is, I don’t want to feel that kind of sadness.  I experienced it to a degree when Paul almost died two years ago.  When they came out and told me he was bleeding to death on the operating table and didn’t think he was going to make it, my heart started to break.  I started to wonder how I was going to take care of my children by myself?  How was I going to live without my best friend?  How could I possibly go on without him?  I missed him. The pain was very intense.  For a brief moment, I experienced what it feels like to lose a spouse…I could feel his spirit around me.  I literally told him to go and get back in his body.  Obviously, he did.   He survived, but to this day I still remember the intense sadness at the thought of him being dead.

While my heart is sad and aching for my mom, my dad is suffering a much greater sorrow.  He has lost his best friend and soul mate.  Yes, he has us children, but it just isn’t quite the same. Sadly, my dad blamed himself for her death, because they figure she got the pneumonia from being at the hospital with him.  My sister even blamed herself...wondering if she had got my mom in to the hospital sooner.  It was no ones fault.  It was God's will.  God has a plan.  

My mom said a little while before she died to remember that families are eternal. I am so grateful that we know families are eternal.  But, even knowing that cannot eliminate missing loved ones who have passed on. It is a part of the mortal experience. 

My mom’s statement about speaking to us through the Holy Ghost really got me thinking.  In 2Nephi 32:3 it states that angels speak through the Holy Ghost.  It confirms to me what my mom had said.  My mom is watching out for us on the other side.  I feel that my mom is going to be able to help us more now than she could while she was alive. My mom was such an amazing person, I think she qualified as an angel on earth.

I had a friend attend a class about angels at education week at BYU this year.  She had talked about things she had learned.  I had another friend share this article with me from the class at education week. http://www.ldschurchnews.com/articles/62679/2012-BYU-Campus-Education-Week-Angels-co-workers-with-mortals-in-the-work-of-the-Lord.html  I feel like my mom is on the other side working hard to help me and my family… I love this statement from the article… Describing them as "co-workers with mortals" in the work of the Lord, Brother Parry said, "Their goals and objectives are the same as ours: to bring people to Christ, help people repent, save people, love people, minister to people and administer to people."

How beautiful to think that we are co-workers with angels.  We all want the same thing.  We want to be back in God’s presence and to be together again.  I just know I must do what it takes to make that happen someday!  I also know it is important to live each day and treasure the time here on earth with all our loved ones.  Make each day count! 

Paul is probably going to need his esophagus stretched again....things aren't going down as well.  This will make stretch number seven this year.  He still is exhausted a lot and has dumping syndrome problems.  We are just glad to have each moment we have together!!!

We know what its not...

As I mentioned in the last post, Paul has been suffering from lower back pain, into his hip and groin.  So, we have been working for the last three months to figure out what is causing it.

First, Paul had MRI’s of his back and both hips.  The back only showed some scar tissue forming around the area he had his spinal fusion.  The hips look pretty good except for some arthritis….so the good news no  avascular necrosis was seen.  The bad news still now answers.  So the next step was to go to a urologist.

After meeting with a urologist a couple of weeks ago, they thought Paul might have a kidney stone lodged in there somewhere.  They wanted to do an intravenous pyelogram (IVP) which is a special x-rayexamination of the kidneys, bladder, and ureters (the tubes that carry urine from the kidneys to the bladder) to see if they could find anything.  The problem is you have to do a bowel prep before they do the IVP.  Since Paul has no stomach and already has problems with his bowels they weren’t sure it was a good thing for him to do.  They said they had never had a patient without a stomach before, so they called up Paul’s gastroenterologist to get an opinion.  They decided it was best not to do the bowel prep if it wasn’t really necessary because if they did find something, they would have to do a cystoscopy anyway.  A cystoscopy is a diagnostic procedure that uses a cystoscope, which is an endoscope especially designed for urological use to examine the bladder, lower urinary tract, and prostate gland. It can also be used to collect urine samples, perform biopsies, and remove small stones.

Paul had his cystoscopy yesterday.  The doctor said he did not find anything unusual…no kidney stones or strictures.  He was stumped.  As was I.  My first thought was Paul is going to be glad there is no apparent  problems with his kidney and other organs, but he is going to be discouraged because we still don’t know what is wrong.  I was right.  Paul was happy, but actually depressed at the same time.  

Paul felt pretty miserable after the procedure.  Let’s just say he was glad he was under anesthesia for the procedure because it is like getting catheterized only worse…  It was VERY uncomfortable to have to pee afterwards and still is today.  He puked several times yesterday and just felt really miserable.  His back was absolutely killing him yesterday…  By late last night his back had finally calmed down.

Amazingly, today Paul’s back feels the best it has felt in three months.  We don’t know if they dislodged something when they were in there and just didn’t see it or what.  We are just hoping this a permanent thing!  We don’t want to jinx it!

My heart has been full of sadness the last couple of days.  I have been following a blog about a guy named Trent who had Pleomorphic Spindle Cell Sarcoma.  His wife Holly, had been keeping this amazing blog  http://lookingupandkneelingdown.blogspot.com/.  I was very touched by her strength, honesty and spirituality.  I would talk to Paul about what was happening in their lives.  I could relate to so much of what she said.  I felt like she was my friend and I didn’t even know her.  I prayed for them.  I wanted Trent to live! 

Unfortunately (or fortunately for him because he had been through so much), Trent passed away early yesterday morning.  Strangely, the way I found out was not by their blog, but on facebook.  One of my dear friends (also a mission companion) had posted it on her wall.  I was schocked! I didn’t know that Cindy new Holly and Trent.  Evidently, they had become good friends in Nebraska.  Anyway, I called Cindy and cried and cried with her.  I told her that I have been wanting to meet Holly. Cindy told me what an amazing person she is.  I guess that now I will actually get to meet Holly.  I just wish it was under better circumstances.  I know that Holly’s heart is absolutely breaking right now!  Not to mention that there are five beautiful children that are going to be missing their daddy…sometimes life just doesn’t seem fair…

Paul will be officially retiring on disability in December.  His short term disability runs out in December and then we will be on retirement/LTD.  His health is not good enough to go back to work.  All the doctors have told us that he will always battle fatigue, dumping syndrome, and numerous other problems because of the lack of his stomach.  Obviously, retiring when you have a nine-year-old and six-year-old isn’t the ideal, but you do what you have to do.  We met with our financial planner today, if all goes as planned (won’t know for sure for a few months), I will not have to go back to work.  That in itself is a huge blessing!!!

I pray daily that Paul’s cancer will not return.  I pray daily that I will be strong enough to handle what comes our way.  I pray daily that Heavenly Father will forgive me for not always being as grateful as I should be. I do know that it is so important to be grateful for even the small things, but sometimes you just feel a little like having a pity party.  We really have been blessed throughout this whole ordeal.  God has given us amazing family and friends who constantly are supporting us and lifting us up.  

I think this post has gone on long enough…