Friday, October 18, 2013

A Letter to My Love

~ Author Unknown

As I sit in heaven
And watch you everyday
I try to let you know with signs
I never went away

I hear you when you’re laughing
And watch you as you sleep
I even place my arms around you
To calm you as you weep

I see you wish the days away
Begging to have me home
So I try to send you signs
So you know you are not alone

Don’t feel guilty that you have
Life that was denied to me
Heaven is truly beautiful
Just you wait and see

So live your life, laugh again
Enjoy yourself, be free
Then I know with every breath you take
You’ll be taking one for me…

Love you from heaven XOXO

The tears are flowing freely tonight my love.  In fact, I am sobbing uncontrollably at the moment…oh, how I miss you…I miss you more than words can say…I found this poem today...I felt as if it was written just for me.

There are so many things to say…I don’t even know where to begin…I guess I will start with the obvious…I hate that I can’t see you; I hate that I can’t hear you with my ears; I hate that we can’t hold each other; I hate that we can’t laugh together; I hate that the girls cry because they miss their daddy; I hate that you can’t wrestle with Sophie; I hate that you aren’t here to help with the upkeep of the house; I hate that you won’t be here when the girls go on their first dates, learn how to drive, get married; I hate that you can’t be here with the grandchildren; I hate that we can’t walk at Jensen Pond and listen to the ducks laugh at us…okay, the list could go on and on…

I know that hate is a strong word, but I don’t know of another word that can adequately express how I feel…I don’t just dislike that you are gone, or I don’t just feel sad, I hate it!

At times I feel angry at God for taking you.  I work through the anger and then it comes back…I work through it…then it reappears.  I have noticed if I allow the anger to become a part of my life, I cannot feel you with me; I cannot feel peace and comfort; I cannot receive spiritual guidance.  Therefore, I try not to allow anger to become a part of my life.  I know that I must go through the grief process and that anger is one part of it.  I just hate the whole grieving process!  I don’t want to feel this, but I know that I must!  It sucks!

I have felt the deepest sorrow since you have been gone.  I did not really know what true sorrow was.  I have cried so many deep tears…sobbed uncontrollably…prayed that God would let me just fall asleep and I would awake with you…of course, I wake up the next morning to discover that I am still here without you…that this really is not a bad nightmare…this is my new life…

Now, I am just trying to create a new life for us.  I know that our children need me.  I know that I need to be strong for them.  I will do everything I can to ensure they have a great life.  I want them to know that we can still find joy and happiness in life even after bad things happen.  I know that I need to focus on the positive.

So here are some positives…I love that you still care about me and the children; I love that I can feel you in my soul; I love that you can watch over our family and guide us; I love that you are no longer in pain; I love that you can be with family who already passed away; I love that God is blessing us with help; I love that I am learning of greater spiritual things.

Okay, you know me, trying to be the eternal optimist, trying to be like Pollyanna, I tried to come up with more things that I love than hate about you being gone…didn’t happen.  I guess that should be expected…seriously, who could be truly glad that their best friend is gone…Some days I just don’t want to play the glad game!

I know that you have sent people to me to give love and support.  I have had numerous “angels” show up at my door or call me…just when I needed them the most.  Yes, sorry babe, their rolls tasted as good as yours…why wouldn’t they taste as good as yours…after all, you are the one that shared the recipe and guided them as to how to make them before you passed away…you wanted the legacy of your rolls to continue…since your wife never bothered to learn how to make them…

I receive promptings about where things are placed…like where things are located in the garage in some obscure place…I know those come from you.  I have never had answers so quickly before.  I remember my mom said just before she died that she would speak to us through the Holy Ghost…I know that you are doing the same.  Thank you! 
I think one of the hardest parts about you being gone is watching our children suffer.  They miss you!  I miss you!  We miss you!

I think about you often…I wonder what you are doing…who you are talking to…if the food there tastes better than here…because I know they have food there…there is food there, right?  I wonder how much you miss me…if you miss me as much as I miss you…I know you must miss me, right?

Whenever I wonder about what our reunion will be like when I see you again, I think about the time you worked in Idaho for a month without me.  I remember the weekend you came home…the look on your face as you drove around the corner and saw me standing there…the tears started to freely flow for both of us…that is how I picture our reunion…lot’s of tears and pure joy!

I have wondered if you stand by me and watch me, wishing you could get my attention.  If you feel frustrated that you can see me, but I can’t see you.  I wish that I could just catch a glimpse of you, even for one moment.  By the way, I am still waiting for a dream…I really need to see you in my dreams.  I still have not had one dream with you in it…every night I pray it will happen…every morning I awake disappointed.

I am dreading the next couple of months.  It will be our first Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years without you.  Just the thought of this makes me start to cry.  For the most part, I don’t allow myself to even think about it.  I try to stay in the present! I need to be strong for our kids!  I want them to have as much joy as possible.  Honestly, I know I will not have the joy I used to have with you, but I want to try and allow myself a different kind of joy. 

I still have a hard time listening to music.  It brings out so much emotion in me.  I miss having you here, playing music wherever you were in the house.  I hope that someday I can listen to music again and feel the joy I used to feel.

Oh, how I wish you were here…I seriously miss you…I would love to be able to hold your hand…I would love to be able to laugh with you…I would love to have you tell me I look beautiful…I would love to just see you!

I love you!  Yours forever and ever! xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

1 comment:

  1. Ok Sandra, Now I'm crying. Oh how I can relate to the emotions in this letter. It took me awhile before I could start journaling about the loss of my husband, but immediately I started writing him letters. I wrote the first one before we left for the funeral and put it in his front pocket before the casket was closed. It has been so healing for me to write to James. It always makes me feel better afterwards, and I believe he's read every one. Thank you for sharing. It sure does help to know I'm not alone in this.